DI- Day 26

She has done pretty well with the buzz cut. She has only said that she didn't like it one time. Other than that one time, I have heard, "I am so glad I buzzed my head cause now Slade can't pull my hair." She has said other things that make me smile because it would be so much harder if she hated it. She know she is still gorgeous. I see it as a sign of a fighter and an angel. What a babe.

She is becoming more herself and I am so glad. She is still having moments of rage and emotional breakdowns. She is still eating quite a bit... or thinking that she wants to eat a lot but then doesn't ever finish it anymore.

We went to the cabin for a little 24 hr getaway. It was supposed to be that way but Slade ended up with a fever and Scott ended up getting sick. Talk about stressful. I was trying my best to keep the kids away from Scott, but Slade away from Taleah. It was exhausting! I could do NOTHING for Scott because I had my hands full with the kids. We were looking forward to a "happy family weekend" but didn't work out that way. Taleah and I headed to the cabin on Sunday (Slade stayed with the Stevensons). Taleah also ended up staying the night with Grammy and Tabes and LOVED it. She thought she was so big! (I missed her)

It was nice to be able to spend some time with Slade for his birthday (and run a few errands). She LOVED that it was his birthday. She also got a kick out of Slade eating his cake.

She is big enough to hold him....

.....sort of.....

... he doesn't love it though...

She has been complaining of her head hurting a lot. Makes me feel so bad. The emotional breakdowns are the hardest though. Sometimes I feel like my heart is ripping in two. Tough girl though. We will have this week to recover and hopefully make counts for a PCMC visit next Monday.

Taleah's Buzz Party

Oh wow! This is when I knew we would be actually having "the party". I knew it would happen (even though secretly I was still hoping that maybe she would beat the odds). When I combed her hair and ended up with 1/3 of it in a pile, I knew we had to do it. The only problem was the fact that she didn't want to and wanted to "let it fall out".

I did my best to talk to her and explain the perks of no hair.... no washing, no combing out and no hair all over the place. She expressed to me how it made her ANGRY inside when her hair was falling out everywhere, so I might have used that to my advantage. I tentatively set it up for the next day at 4pm. We were trying to wait for my parents to get home but there was no way. I still wasn't sure if she was going to follow through but still got ready for the party which was fun for her (balloons and cupcakes.. that's it). Oh and she dressed up like a princess because I tried to emphasize the fact that she would be the most BEAUTIFUL princess ever!

We also looked at pictures of other "cancer kids". She wanted to have hers just like Cami. So we "cut" her hair before everyone came over. Had to get one last pic before the hair cutting began. Have to document the sweetest thing Chloe had been practicing.... she said, "Taleah, bald is beautiful!" Seriously brought tears to my eyes!





Then that chaos began. She was so excited to buzz their heads and was able to choose the order. Taylor was first, then Trevy, Grandpa Stevenson, TALEAH, and finally daddy. She was over it after 1 or 2 swipes of the hair.

I think she almost wanted to back out at this point but her friend Chloe said she would eat a cupcake with her after she buzzed it. Oh food.... yeah anything for food!

She was SO brave! I couldn't even believe it. She sat there and handled it so well. I don't know if the steroids maybe worked in our favor this time around. She kind of stared into space and let Scott work away. I tried to talk to her to distract, but I think it bugged her more.

At this point, she was annoyed by everyone... the noise, chaos and people trying to be sweet and talk to her/take pictures. She was DONE! All she wanted was soup from Kneaders...surprise!

Tavia gave her a barbie with a buzzed head. She loved it!

All the boys that she got to match with. She was the ONLY princess who got to buzz her head. Sweet girl!

Not that it matters, but I am holding it together better than I thought I would. But it matters cause she is my baby girl and her hair has always been "her thing". I have been stressed about this since the minute they told me she would lose her hair. It's almost like a weight has been lifted off because it's done and I don't have to stress about when it is going to happen. I am sure it will get harder when she goes out in public again and people stare at her. I am sure it will hit me at some point, but so far I haven't shed that many tears. I am just extremely proud.

I can't even believe how brave she was. She is such a sweetie and looks like an angel to me. Love her! It was great to have the support. Not to mention, someone dropped a cute cake labeled "Taleah's buzz party". That brought tears to my eyes too. The love we feel from others is unbelievable. Really. What an agel she is. Great job Taleah!

DI- Day 21

These are from a few days back when I didn't have the energy to upload the pics. I could only find the strength to sit on my bed, type on the ipad and cry.....

I was trying to show how red it was underneath her eyes, but it doesn't do it justice. It looked like she got punched. I guess that's the kind of trauma the chemo was doing to her body.

Our movie night that I already mentioned. It was only the first day back on steroids so we weren't seeing the effects too badly yet, but yes they came on head first the next day.




I felt bad leaving the kids for most of Saturday to head to Vegas for a cheer comp, but I had to go for many reasons. Luckily Scott handled it well with the help of his parents. (Tavia and I walked around completely matching while shopping at the Fashion Show Mall) By the time we returned home, I had a fever and wasn't feeling great. NOT great timing since my baby girl has no immune system. GREAT! I felt terrible and Taleah ended up sleeing at the Stevensons to see if it was something I could hurry and get rid of.....

..... turns out it wasn't and I was so sick on Sunday. I felt like I had the flu, achey, head felt like it could explode, and a fever. I couldn't be around it her and it about killed me. She was finally sick, the steroids were coming head first and I couldn't be there for my baby girl. I HATED it. It was great that she was taken care of and she loved being there, but it was SO hard as a mom. I cried a lot because I couldn't be there for her or Slade. I couldn't take care of my own kids. I am so emotional that I am sure I would have cried over something else, but it was tough. I thought for sure by Sunday night I would be good but NO. Even Monday was rough, but due to some obvious symptoms I realized that I had mastitis. It all made sense and made me feel better that it was at least something that I couldn't pass on to her. I still don't feel awesome but I can at least have my kiddos at home.
It is rough. Actually, its TORTURE watching her suffer. This is so hard. She is miserable. Luckily the last dose of steroids is tonight so I am hoping after a couple of days of being off of them she will start feeling better. Maybe she won't and she will need a blood transfusion to pep her back up.

She did enjoy face timing with Grammy and seeing the ocean. That was one highlight where she actually enjoyed herself.

The hunger is full force. She MUST HAVE soup from Kneaders and that is pretty much all she wants. She will venture off occasionally, but it's mostly what she wants in the morning, afternoon, night and middle of the night. Seriously. I think we have probably spent about $100 in soup over the last 5 days. Not even kidding. She has to go through the drive thru, listen to you order, watch you pay and then eat it just right or it doesn't work. It's serious business around here. If they aren't open yet or it's Sunday..... it's a meltdown.

She loves the pico from Cafe Rio, but she doesn't like the "green and white" things.. ok yeah I'll pick them out. It's half of the pico. Awesome. My entire day is consumed of getting food for this girl. It temporarily makes her happy so I do it. Steroids are a different world.

I don't know if it was a blessing I got sick... and I know that sounds horrible but maybe it happened because I wouldn't have been able to handle this for 7 days straight. Maybe I needed to break in the middle to prepare for the next few days. She screams because she doesn't "like" her brother. He "bugs" her. She HATES to hear him cry. I am sure she is just so irritated on those dang steroids that loud little Slade isn't cutting it. She is very particular, but it is so hard this time because she feels like crap.

She is constantly moving around to find somewhere that she will be comfy/happy. But she never finds it. Breaks my heart. Honestly, this is so difficult to watch her suffer. I still give her all of the things that make her suffer because it is saving her life. It's a crazy life.

Her hair is shedding more than it ever has. I was expecting her to wake up with half of it falling out but she didn't. I am guessing that will be tomorrow. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to buzz her head so I just keep pointing out the hair that is EVERYWHERE. Hoping she will get annoyed soon but I am not going to force her to buzz it. Oh man.... the rambling could go on and on. Hoping we survive til the weekend.

Emotions ( DI day 17)

Clearly my emotions are all over the place. I don't want this blog to be negative in any way, but I also think it is important to document it all.

Last night was terrible. Actually, this girl is so tough but when she feels like crap she just cries in pain/misery. She woke up from her nap and needed pain meds but felt so crappy she didn't want to drink the special juice. I wish she understood that it makes her feel better. She was really pale and it was really red under her eyes. She looks so sick. Her hair is starting to shed much more and I have gathered from other moms that it will be gone by next wed/thur. I have been trying to prepare her and I think it may be working. The hard part is she will be on steroids so she is not even the same person. Anyways, after she woke up and cried in my arms for about an hour I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream about how unfair this is for her to suffer. It just doesn't seem right. Again, I am her mom and I couldn't console her. Grandparents even stopped by and she wanted them to leave ( while shade was crying for them to stay). My heart felt like it was breaking in half. I don't feel like I can be a good mom to either child. She eve tally drank the juice and did much better. We had movie night and she tried to enjoy it.

The next day I headed to Vegas for a cheer comp and she was crushed when she woke up and I wasn't there. Turns out it was a blessing to be gone all day because I ended up with a fever/chills. I tried to stick it out and stay away from her but still take care of herBut it's not getting better and I don't want to risk her safety. Scott's parents took her for the night. It's betternfornher to stay away from me. I feel like such a great mom.... Wish I could take care of my baby. I really think the steroids make it that much worse because she isn't even the same girl. It feels like the steroids completely change her. There is only 4 more days of these high doses and then she will have a few months off. I know this phase isn't forever and it will end but I feel like it is so hard for her (&me). Actually it seems hard on anyone who is close to her. I'm also anxiously awaiting the hair to fall out... I wish it would just happen so we could move on. I know she will be beautiful!!!

I guess I just needed to get that all out. Hoping i am miraculously better in the morning do I can be a mom. For now.... I will keep praying for my baby and be continually amazed by her strength. Thanks for the support!

DI- Day 15

We headed to clinic bright and early for chemo today. They are so nice to coordinate times with my work schedule. We ended up on the Thursday schedule due to counts and we are hoping to get it switched back to Mondays for the next half of this phase.

I was actually working downstairs and was able to coordinate working and being with Taleah for most of the chemo. Grandma Stevenson met us there at 8:00 and then Grammy came at about 9:30 when I had to go to work. I was able to run up for the de-access, which Taleah usually screams for. She was SO brave. I told her I would video it and she was so cute. She kept looking at me with a smile, pretending that it was great. Ha. It worked though. I still can't believe how well she has done with everything and it's only been 4 1/2 months (feels like SO much longer).

We accessed, drew labs and waited for the results until we started the chemo. I was expecting them to go down from the previous week, but not quite like they ended up. It made me sick to my stomach to hear the numbers. I know it's good and it is expected, but makes me nervous.

ANC 300

Hct 35.2

WBC 2.7

Plts 180

Everything but the ANC is ok. 300 is really low and not much of an immune system. We will be EXTRA careful for the next little bit. It will probably be a good 6 weeks before her numbers will be "good" again. The chemo will not be getting easier. More anxiety coming my way. Steroids also started again today... the high doses. I HATE them, but love them because they do their job. It will be a rough week, but we will get through it. Just waiting for those steroids to take full force. If you hear major screaming from my house, it is most likely Taleah freaking out. I always do my best to keep it together, but it's not always the case.

We are doing pretty good. We are working together as a team and just doing our best. I can't really fake much anymore when people ask how she is doing. I usually say that she is ok and it sucks. I think I surprise people sometimes when I respond that way. Sometimes I say that I am ok too or I say that I am not. Depends on the day. Again, not really the life I thought I would have at almost 26 yrs old but it is what it is. Just keep going.

I am worried about their birthdays though. Slade's is in 2 weeks and Taleah's at the end of this month. I don't want Slade to miss out because we can't do something big for him and I don't want to Taleah to feel left out either. She will most likely be pretty sick on her b-day cause we should be starting the second half of the phase that week. I just want them to feel special and loved and I am worried that they won't because we will be so focused on cancerville. It's dumb and there is really no reason to worry about it. See... anxiety and worrying. Wish I could stop. Good thing we have such amazing people surrounding us. Thank you to everyone for acts of kindness, reading this, prayers and thoughts in our behalf. It really means so much and even though we don't know all who do, we feel it and love it. Thank you!

Playdates/Dinner

Taleah is very social. It pretty much drives her crazy to be cooped up in our house. She always tells me that our house is "boring". Nice. I always proceed to name all of the fun things we do at our house, but I think she just gets sick of it/us. She would much rather be at the grandparents house. The steroids magnify that x10.

At our last visit her ANC was 3000, which is very high. My family went to dinner for Trevor's birthday on Tue night and we couldn't decide what to do with Taleah. She had "heard" about it and we knew she would be crushed if she couldn't go. We chose to take her with caution. Wiped everything with bleach wipes, wore a mask (except to eat), limited touching anything. It was a risk, but she had fun.

The chopsticks were her thing. We were impressed....as Kate's face shows!! Kate was awesome to hold her/deal with her the entire time!!

Halo playdate with Trevy... she loved it so much that she fell asleep. But really.... she loves "playing" with him. I am not sure who loves him more... Taleah or Slade.

She loves all of her aunties. It is so nice for her to get some extra attention from others. And honestly it gives me such a break in so many ways. Not just at the moment that she is with them, but she seems happier overall. It makes me happy too.

Family has been nice enough to come to our house or have her over there. Anything to keep her happy. Steroids didn't have enough time to wear off and here they go again. AHHH!

Thanks fam/friends for helping us out and making her feel special.

New Years Weekend (DI Day 9-11)

* I am aware of the fact that this has turned into more of our family blog vs. only Taleah updates... but if I am being honest our family revolves around Taleah's cancer life. Cancer is a big part of our life now. (and it's way too hard to split it up/blog on both pages)*

I was actually dreading this weekend due to the chemo she had on Thursday. We tried extra hard to stay on top of the meds (nausea/pain) for 48 hours after the chemo. It seemed to make a difference this time. I am not sure if it was different because she wasn't sedated as well, but either way it was much more manageable. She wasn't super happy or feeling her best, but not extremely miserable. AND... she had just had her last dose of steroids the night before so that could have played a part. I am telling you... the steroids are viscious.

December 30 marked our 6 year anniversary. Crazy!! I can't imagine life without him and I mean that 100%. This is not the life we thought of when we got married, but it is the life we have and I am so glad I have him. Scott's parents were nice enough to keep the kids overnight so we could go out. Taleah ended up throwing up while we were gone and falling asleep pretty early. She wasn't feeling her best and we felt awful leaving them. They insisted on keeping them and we actually showed up to check on them before our movie.... Slade didn't want either of us and Taleah preferred to sleep there. Sad for us, but made us feel better about leaving them.

Taleah has been really funny through this phase. She HATES being home for some reason UNLESS there is someone (other than Scott or I) to play with. She would rather be somewhere else and she acts like a totally different person. It is so wierd. She told Scott that our house was boring so she wanted to leave. Really?! I can't even begin to name all of the things I do with her to keep her mind off of the pain she is feeling. Apparently it is not quite good enough. Sadly enough, I just want her to be happy right now. And luckily our family understands and takes turns playing with her.

The weather was so nice on New Years Eve day. We decided to head outside for a picnic at the park. We stayed on the open field, enjoyed food, fresh air and ran around. She loved it!

We weren't able to do anything too exciting that night. We didn't want to go out anywhere. We bought some junk food to make an ended up inviting the Jones family over. Taleah was in HEAVEN. I am not even kidding. I wish I would have recorded her. She was so happy and had more energy than she had shown in a long time. We were a little bit nervous because of the extra kids in the house, but in the end we decided that it was worth it. Her ANC was 3000 three days before that and she was acting pretty good. I am so glad we did because she had a blast.

I found out at 11:30 pm that night that I was scheduled to work at the hospital at 7am the next morning. Awesome. Not sure how I missed that one. Dang. I was sad because we had things planned for the day, but it worked out ok. Taleah made sure to facetime me. I loved it.

She had a semi-rough day. She wasn't feeling great. She wouldn't drink her special juice (w/ meds) and she WON'T take medicine. Her legs were super sore and she walked on her toes all night. I am assuming it felt better on her legs to keep them straight and walk on her toes. I think she played hard.... maybe a little too hard. I still think it was all worth it.

She has chemo coming again this Thursday. I am still dreading it. Her hair hasn't started falling out yet, but people say that it isn't until day 21 (that's far away). Steroids start again on Thursday. AHHHHH!

She is a champ. Still amazes me daily.