We were told that surgery would be at 8am if there were no other emergencies.
It ended up being 10am which wasn't too bad because she slept until then. Riding in the bed to the OR was surreal. I knew I had to let me baby go and be without her for a few hours while her body underwent a lot. The put in her port, did a spinal tap and administed chemo in her CNS, and did the bone marrow biopsy. I lost it again when I had to say goodbye. The doctors were great, but it was still hard to leave. We waited for 2 hours and then she was in the PACU. When she came out of the anesthesia she was upset and wanted her mommy. I ran in as soon as I could and laid by her.
When we went back to our room, she kept telling me she didn't feel good and then she felt the port (on the left side under her rib) and she said," what is that mommy?" I again lost it and while she was crying she told me, "she didn't want the plastic on her tummy." I didn't have the words to tell or try to explain to her. It is something she will have for almost a year....I couldn't pull it together. (I try not to cry in front of her because she gets upset.)
It has been a rough day. She is in a lot of pain and just miserable. I have held her pretty much all day and I actually feel guilty for being in the library right now while typing this blog. BUT I feel like this will be a great way to keep people informed and maybe a way for me to vent (is that bad to say)
I think I am still in shock, still trying to process it all. It doesn't seem fair. I go through the emotions of heartache, sadness, anger, humbled, greatful...it's a lot. I don't know how to feel or what to expect. There are some great moms here that have already reached out to me. It's overwhelming to feel the love and support that we have. I just have to say that as a mother this is the last thing that you want to do....it is TORTURE watching your baby girl suffer. I can't even explain how I feel. I am trying so hard to be positive and strong, but I keep having breakdowns whenever I am alone or just watching her when she is in pain. I know I am supposed to learn something from this and I hope I figure it out sooner than later.
Thanks for everyone's prayers. It's amazing to feel the love that we do. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. :) It will get better right?!