Sunday, August 28, 2011

Day 1



We were told that surgery would be at 8am if there were no other emergencies.


It ended up being 10am which wasn't too bad because she slept until then. Riding in the bed to the OR was surreal. I knew I had to let me baby go and be without her for a few hours while her body underwent a lot. The put in her port, did a spinal tap and administed chemo in her CNS, and did the bone marrow biopsy. I lost it again when I had to say goodbye. The doctors were great, but it was still hard to leave. We waited for 2 hours and then she was in the PACU. When she came out of the anesthesia she was upset and wanted her mommy. I ran in as soon as I could and laid by her.




When we went back to our room, she kept telling me she didn't feel good and then she felt the port (on the left side under her rib) and she said," what is that mommy?" I again lost it and while she was crying she told me, "she didn't want the plastic on her tummy." I didn't have the words to tell or try to explain to her. It is something she will have for almost a year....I couldn't pull it together. (I try not to cry in front of her because she gets upset.)




It has been a rough day. She is in a lot of pain and just miserable. I have held her pretty much all day and I actually feel guilty for being in the library right now while typing this blog. BUT I feel like this will be a great way to keep people informed and maybe a way for me to vent (is that bad to say)








I think I am still in shock, still trying to process it all. It doesn't seem fair. I go through the emotions of heartache, sadness, anger, humbled, greatful...it's a lot. I don't know how to feel or what to expect. There are some great moms here that have already reached out to me. It's overwhelming to feel the love and support that we have. I just have to say that as a mother this is the last thing that you want to do....it is TORTURE watching your baby girl suffer. I can't even explain how I feel. I am trying so hard to be positive and strong, but I keep having breakdowns whenever I am alone or just watching her when she is in pain. I know I am supposed to learn something from this and I hope I figure it out sooner than later.




Thanks for everyone's prayers. It's amazing to feel the love that we do. Hoping for a better day tomorrow. :) It will get better right?!

25 comments:

  1. Hi Tosha, this is Korinne (Kori) Roberts, Brittney's friend. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through with Taleah! It breaks my heart to read this and I can't imagine how I would handle this withy my 2 1/2 year old! You are being so strong and I am so impressed with your strength. I will keep you in my prayers. Good luck with everything! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tosha you are such an amazing mother. I'm bawling with just the thought. All the emotions I'm sure you are going through. Continue to stay strong! Taleah is so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome mother that is with her every step of the way. Best of luck and all of our love!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Our hearts are aching for you here in Colorado. You guys have been constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You guys are amazing parents and Taleah is one cutie and a fighter. We love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Tosh, my heart is breaking for you guys and all you are going through! Just keep reminding yourself that every day you get through, is a day closer to her getting better! We will continue to pray and think about you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Love the blog and love your honesty. My heart is broken for you, your family, and especially for your sweet Taleah. It just doesn't seem fair does it? Keep staying positive but know it is okay to have bad moments, days, or even weeks. HE is with you every step of the way. We love you guys and our prayers are with you every step of the way. Day 1 down.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tosh, you are such an amazing person...and YES it is definitely ok to have breakdowns and bad moments, and I think it will help for you to vent. I just keep thinking of you guys, probably since Zander is the exact same age as Taleah. I know this has to be the hardest thing ever, but your strength thru this is such a lesson to me. We will definitely keep Taleah and your entire family in our thoughts and prayers! You can do this...you are stronger than you could ever imagine. Trials are so hard and it's ok if you don't know why it's happening. But you will all be a stronger family and individuals at the end of all of this! Always turn to Heavenly Father, He will carry you all through this time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I haven't stopped thinking about you guys since I read Scott's facebook post.

    I can't even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, but I love the words by Joseph B. Wirthlin - Come What May and Love It. In those times when you think you just can't make it through - the words in his talk found here ...

    http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng

    ... can be really comforting.

    Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. My sister (Aimee Fuller) shared your blog with me. My heart breaks for your family and what your little girl is going through. You'll be in our prayers!

    Also I hope this isn't going to come across creepy as we've never met, but we live about 20 min from Primary's so if you ever need a place to crash, a home cooked meal, a place to do some laundry, WHATEVER you are more than welcome here.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Tosha, I can't express the feelings of empathy I have for you and your family right now. This situation has made my heart cry. I have been lucky enough to spend time with your angel "Talee" and I believe she will make it through this and be stronger than ever. She is a strong child and is closer to God than you and I know. She is very fortunate be have been born into such loving and compassionate parents. Kasey and I have been praying for you guys and want you to know we are here for you! If Scott needs a fellow father to talk to I would be more than willing. Do your best not to worry because God has promised "Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you". Keep your head up it's going to be ok! We love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Tosha you are a rock! Thanks for keeping us up to speed!
    We love you guys and are praying for you and your family! Hang tough this to shall pass....

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am so happy you made this blog! I will be checking it constantly. I can't even imagine what you are going through, but always know your family is right behind you and we will do ANYTHING we can to help!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. LOVE the adorable blog header and HATE that there is a need for this blog to even exist. We are still in shock. I have always had a special soft spot in my heart for Taleah and it is killing me that I can't do anything to help her or be there to tell her I love her. But I know that Heavenly Father can heal her, so we will keep praying for her many times each day. You should hear Brielle praying for her cousin 'Tia'. It is so sweet. We all love her, and you and Scott and Slade. Thanks for writing these posts. You are wonderful. Taleah will beat this!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tosha, I am so sorry to hear all of this. My heart aches for your family. I know exactly how it feels to watch your little girl in pain and not being able to do anything. You are such an amazing mom! Its okay to not be strong right now. Just keep focused on getting that beautiful little girl of yours better! everything will work out! she is strong! And so are you and Scott. It was so hard to not get bitter cause i never understood why these things have to happen to little kids.. but you will all grow from this. i promise. Taleah, You, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Just remember, she WILL get through this! stay positive!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Justin shared this with me. You don't know me. I'm a mother though. I've shared the wrong reaction to good new let alone bad new. No worries on whether you're responding the way you should.

    You are so brave.
    Your daughter looks at you as a problem solver. You must be so good to her.
    Keep your faith, do NOT give up on your prayers. (That's always my Aunt Phoebe's advice)

    BELIEVE they will be answered as you want.
    Act (I know you can't feel but act) like its ALREADY been given to you. Feelings flow where actions go. You're daughter will respond to how you act. And she loves you so much

    This is only for a moment. Enjoy the time you are next to her for now. Enjoy your family near. Don't try to learn the lesson God is trying to teach you (I know how frustrating that must be....it'll come) You don't have to beat yourself up.

    Sleep when she sleeps.
    Allow yourself to let go of the "when will this be over?"

    You are so brave to share you story, to share your vulnerable heart. You are such a strong woman to do that.

    Thank you.
    Michele (mother of 6)

    ReplyDelete
  15. TOSH!!! I am so sorry!! I will definitely remember Taleah and your family in my prayers! I seriously can not even imagine, I would be a basket case. As a parent you would do anything to take on any pain they have to feel. You are such a great mom tosh. Taleah knows you love her so much and that you'll always be there for her! It would be impossible to stay strong through all of this but you can do it. I hope it's a speedy recovery for that cute little girl of yours!! Love you guys and will be thinking of all of you!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. You have been in our prayers all week and we will continue praying for Taleah and your family. When I think about what you must be going through, it breaks my heart. I can't even imagine. We're here if we can help in ANY way. You guys are so strong.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This sounds silly but she will come to love her port. Chase calls his his baby and likes to show me what happens when he pushes on it. He loves when the home nurse (Jeanette Watts here in St George) comes to see him. He hated her for the first two months. I am sure that Taleah will too, but they come to be best buds and he opens the door for her willingly now. You are doing awesome. Crying is GOOD!!! If you don't do it all your emotions will just make it harder. Cry a lot and don't be afraid to. I used to think crying was a bad thing. I have learned different now. Also, I don't want you do be discouraged because there is so much being thrown at you. You can not learn it all in a week. You will learn day by day and it will all come. We continue to pray for you and your whole family, because as much as this is Taleah thing, your whole family is going through a life changing experience and you all need prayers. Just know that I am here if you need anything.

    ReplyDelete
  18. We are praying for you guys every day and only wish we could do more! Please know that whenever you are in SLC, we are very close by and are itching to help in anyway possible. My mom talked to grandpa last night and we were just all in tears :( I hope you guys can feel some peace and comfort at this time

    ReplyDelete
  19. We keep praying for Taleah. Tosha you and Scott are strong and you will be able to find the strength that Heavenly Father can give you. You have such a great support system.

    ReplyDelete
  20. We are praying for your family Tosh, and I KNOW that Heavenly Father is with you all right now!!! Put your hand in his and he will guide you through this trial!
    We love you so much!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. What a strong little girl Taleah is. She is so lucky to have such a wonderful mother and father. We've been thinking about her constantly since we heard the news. I hope everything goes well this week and you can go home soon! Love you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Tosha and Scott, my heart, love and prayers are with you. My heart broke as "Kate" came over and broke down and shared the news. I am sure there is nothing I can say to ease your pain, there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I love your blog, thanks for sharing and I hope that will help you vent(its good to vent), and I hope you can know and feel all of the love, prayers and heart ache we are going through with you. Hope that helps a bit. Love "Kates" Family

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm glad the surgery went well. One more thing behind you. One step closer to being able to go home. Maybe eventually you can show Taleah come of the other cancer kids' blogs. She can see pics of them and their ports. That they are okay. That they are happy.

    On our blog I've compiled all of the ALL related posts on one page. It might help, though I know you've got a long list of blogs to read:

    http://dailydaph.wordpress.com/about-her-health/

    The first six months are the hard. But that doesn't mean you can't do it. I say hard because they are hard in relation to the rest of treatment. Harder than normal life. But they are beautiful months as well.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sweet Tosha! I was just reminded yesterday that the Lord doesn't let us go through things as much to learn something through them, as it is to love and lean more on Him. If any one knows what it is like to watch their child suffer...it's Him. love you and am praying for your family and your sweet Taleah!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I'm sure you don't know me, but I have many friends that know you and I've seen they're concerned posts all over facebook and blogs. My heart goes out to you and I pray for your family every day. God bless.

    ReplyDelete