I was glad that they were able to double the dose of current chemo, but terrified at what it would do to her body. I was waiting for the sickness to take effect the day after (like it did last time) but it didn't happen until late that night. Mostly complaining of her typical headache. The next morning she woke up and acted like her normal self. She wanted a date to pizza factory with our family (Scott had the day off). As we prepared to walk out the door, she told me she didn't feel good and had to throw up. And then it began... torture for her and the rest of us watching. She was puking and screaming because her head was hurting. It broke my heart and there was nothing I could do. I kept thinking, "Here it goes, this will be the next 6 months." There were no positive thoughts running through my head at that time. She looked "sick" that day (I know she is going to look worse at times), but I hated the look in her eyes. I guess I just hated that the chemo she is getting is doing that to her, but she has to have it. It's a good thing and it's saving her life.
We had a cheer performance amongst all cheer teams in STG to raise money for Dixie Care and Share on Thur. When I got home Taleah asked me where I had been. After I told her, she replied, "Why did you go there and not take me? I wanted to go SOOOO bad." I said, "There are too many germs." She said, " I just can't believe you went without me." Stab in the heart because the entire time I was there I kept thinking about how much she would have LOVED to be there. She is so social and I know it is hard for her to miss out on things.
Friday night was the football game. She wanted to go there also. She was crushed that she wasn't invited. She informed me that she wants to go to the championship game. I don't have the heart to tell her that she can't go.
We are constantly overwhelmed by the nice things people are doing. There are SO many good people in the world....in STG. It is very humbling to feel the love from our family, friends, neighbors, ward members and strangers. We appreciate it more than anyone will ever know. I will admit that there are times that I hate accepting help from all of these people. I hate having to rely on our families to continue a somewhat "normal life". I hate that they have to give up so much to constantly help us. Sometimes it's hard to watch them sacrifice for us, even though I know they would do it over and over again. It's not that I am not grateful...it's just not my personality. I like to be independent. This process is teaching me to rely on others.....most importantly relying on the Lord. Which leads to some lessons I learned in 3 short hours....
I was able to attend the last couple of hours of Time Out for Women. I learned a lot and everything was what I needed to hear. It was like the speaker was talking to me only and telling me the things that I needed to hear. Hilary Weeks had a lot of great songs, but this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk) it close to home. The lyrics alone were enough to get the tears flowing. The video was even better. Even though I feel like my life is hard and my poor baby shouldn't have to suffer, I have realized that everyone has trials. I need to keep focusing on my baby, but be more patient/aware of others. It may help me to cope with my problems if I try and help others. I know it will be difficult throughout the next 6 months of treatment, but I will try here and there. I think it will make me feel better to pay it forward. I want to be able to do what people are doing for us. Wow that's a lot... guess I have a lot of deep thoughts running through my mind/heart.
Thankfully, Taleah has been doing a little bit better today. Still complaining of a headache here and there. We have been controlling it with pain meds and I hate that. I hate giving her medicines, but anything to keep her comfortable and control the suffering. We enjoyed a night as a family (which hasn't happened in a while) at pizza factory and DQ. Taleah was in heaven... and so was I. Spending time with the family....cherishing every moment.... just as I was reminded of today.