She has finally fallen asleep for the night. My heart is aching. She did have some good moments today. A little glimpse of her personality shining through. It made me smile and gave me hope for a minute. Honestly, it had more to do with her being able to keep the pain meds down. You could tell when they would kick in and when they would wear off. I HATE giving her the strong pain meds that we do (we can't give tyelonal). There is such a fine line of giving the strong meds or watching her suffer. I hate them both, but have decided that she really needs these meds. She only threw up once this morning and it was about 1 hour after the meds... so I am hoping they were able to take effect. A few of the moms that have experience with mouth sores explained that their older children said that mouth sores are the most pain they have ever been in.
She is looking really thin and not too great. I know it has a lot to do with 8 days of not eating much. It is scaring me. I know the alternative... a feeding tube. I am hoping it does not get to that. I need her to be healthy though. I guess I am having a hard time because this was not something we were entirely planning on. We knew it was a side effect, but she never had problems before. Just doesn't seem right on top of everything else. I know a lot of other kids have worse problems so I feel bad even complaining. BUT the bottom line being her suffering/dealing with pain. No mother wants to see that. She keeps asking me why she has these sores and when they will go away. I don't want to coorelate them with the chemo so I just answer, "I don't know." She accepts the answer and moves on. She is SO tough. She has thrown up over 30 times in the last week and not once has she cried. She just wipes her mouth and says, "I'm done." I can tell she is trying so hard with these sores. She doesn't really cry... just whines and wants me to hold her. She will just stare into space and occasionally say a word or two. So not like my baby girl.
Tonight, she received a blessing. It was beautiful and I was emotional. She sat so still, closed her eyes and listened to every word. Words of healing, chemo and strong girl were in the blessing. When the blessing was over, I could tell she was thinking intently. She took a few dry swallows and then said, "Mom, why aren't my sores gone? The blessing said to be gone." I was shocked and wasn't sure how to respond. A tear rolled down my face as I tried to explain to my 3 year old why her sores were still there. I tried to tell her that the blessing was to help them heal quicker. I honestly wasn't even sure what to say.
She is tough. Much tougher than me. I just want her to be able to enjoy life. This beautiful weather and fun things happening... and she is stuck inside... throwing up from the pain. Praying that she heals quickly. I want my bubbly, full of personality baby girl back.