Saturday, March 24, 2012

Miserable Baby- IM2 (Day I lost count)

This poor baby. I am feeling terrible for her. I am not sure I can handle watching her suffer much more. Ever since treatment she has thrown up eat least once a day. Thursday consisted of me getting the flu bug and puking all night long. Perfect timing when my baby needed me. The Stevensons came and got the kids so that they could keep away from me and be taken care of. If we were in the same house, they both wanted me. Let's just say that poor Slade has not had much "mommy time" this week. Taleah has only wanted me which is unusual. She is usually happier at either grandparents house. I had to leave work a few times because she only cried for me. It feels like the horrible weekend has never ended.
We had a getaway night planned as a Christmas present from my mom's siblings. It has been planned for a while so we decided to go ahead and go. Scott's parents watched the kids and I was feeling almost back to normal. We were excited for a night away. I thought about the kids the whole time and I was hoping that they would be ok. Taleah had thrown up a few times that day so I was nervous. The night was great. The food was AMAZING! The cabin was so cute. I need to post about that soon. Turns out... the night was horrible. Slade woke up 4 times and Taleah didn't sleep great. She woke up and was in a lot of pain. She cried for mommy and I wasn't there. The mouth sores are all over her lips and she won't even open her mouth very big. She doesn't want to eat because she can't seem to keep much down. I can tell she is in so much pain. I ended up taking her in to get some fluids to prevent dehydration. Her numbers ended up looking good and not needing any transfusions or anything. The pain on her face is horrible though. Almost more than I can bare at times.
I am also feeling guilty because I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with Slade this week. It honestly breaks my heart when I hear him cry for me, see the sadness on his face when I leave or he is taken away. Taleah wants nothing to do with him when she is pain so he has to be out of sight. I feel like I am neglecting him because I can' t spend as much time as I usually do with him because she wants me with her 100% of the time. Poor boy. I wish I could be 2 people or be 2 places at once.
Honestly, it is exhausting. Maybe more so emotionally. I can't handle it. I have had a few breakdowns this week and I can't seem to hold it together. These mouth sores are bad and I feel like they are the source of a lot the pain/throwing up. Tonight, she couldn't even keep any of her pain meds down. The one thing that I CAN do, which is give her pain meds to help with her suffering... she can't even keep down. I feel helpless and terrible that she is suffering.
I realize that this is extremely negative and not uplifting/grateful. I just want to be mad/angry for right now. I just want her to feel better.


  1. so hate all that yall are going through.. there should be a little something delivered by wed! just a little reminder for you that you are a good mom! Love you tosh!!

  2. So sorry to hear that it has been such a horrible weekend. This cancer stuff sure is horrible and draining and just not very fair. Wish I could be there to help out more but know we think and pray for you daily. Loves and hugs sent your way.

  3. I'm so sorry for her pain. I continue to pray for her everyday.