My Biggest Fear

I guess you could say that a mother's intuition means something. Taleah had been acting "off" for the last week. I had a terrible feeling going into our upcoming appointment at PCMC. I even shared that with my dad and I don't think that he liked hearing that from me. We headed to PCMC (Friday), did the routine "stuff" and the labs showed that her platelets had dropped a little. Dr. Barnette didn't seem concerned and even looked under the microscope and had a great explanation for it. Taleah even rang the bell because she was cancer free! I still left feeling a little uneasy and couldn't figure out why. Now I know. She started fevering the following Thursday and it continued and hasn't stopped. I began obsessing over ALL information, dropping platelets, contacted other cancer moms, and couldn't get it out of my mind. I even texted our pediatrician on Saturday asking if I should get her labs drawn again. He wanted to wait until Monday, which I am glad that we did. We were all thinking/hoping it could be a virus that was causing the drop in platelets (that is a sign of relapse... along with a jump in WBS which hers had done as well). I just knew in my gut that something wasn't right. Labs came and I kept checking for the results. I honestly couldn't function. My MIL had to take my kids because I made myself physically sick over it. After a few phone calls and lots of tears, it was confirmed. We were expected at PCMC the next morning at 8am. The drive was long and trying to break the news to her was devastating. She became very quiet and wouldn't talk about it. That was one of the hardest things I have had to do. PCMC wanted to do their own testing to confirm it. There was a small chance that it could be a crazy virus but I knew it wasn't. Of course I hoped for that, but hearing the confirmation again was a giant blow to my stomach. Watching Taleah hear it all just about ripped my heart in half because this time she has a better idea of what is to come. We continued with an x-ray, labs, and making her comfortable. Her blood had about 50% leukemia cells. We would await the procedures to come the next day to have a better idea of what we were dealing with. I am having a whirlwind of emotions. I am angry, so sad for Taleah, sad for my other kids, mad, heartbroken and a little hopeful. It is a lot harder to feel "hopeful" this time when the odds were so good before and she was in the 8% that relapse. How can this be?! It is not anything that I ever hoped for and didn't "see it coming" until a week ago. I am religious, I believe in a loving Heavenly Father but I am struggling a little right now to understand WHY!? I know we don't always understand everything that he has in store for us and you would think that I had it down... BUT I don't! My biggest concern is being able to be a mommy to Taleah, but also to my other kids. I can't be away from them for 7 months. The first month is critical! We need to get her body into remission after the first 28 days. This will give us the most hope. IF that happens, we will have finished one round with a week at home to follow. We would have 2 more rounds simlar to that. All of which will be done at PCMC. IF all goes according, it would mean preparing her for a bone marrow transplant (which would happen after the 2-3 months of inpt chemo). We will be testing our 3 kids this week to see if they are a match for sweet Taleah. A sibling match would be the best case scenario (the babies would have to be a certain weight as well). It wouldn't be dangerous for them to be her donor. We also have Tait's cord blood that we could test as well. Sloan's isn't viable because his was wrapped around his neck and we had to cut it at birth. The transplant would be approx 35-60 days inpt and then staying close to PCMC for another 40-50 days after that. It is a long road, a scary road and we are praying that all can go accordingly. We appreciate all of the love and support that has already been offered on our behalf.