Monday, August 29, 2011

Day 2- morning

She is still pretty exhausted, but I can tell a difference from yesterday. She is more with it and more responsive. She has been requesting mommy or grammy to hold her in the chair. She has something against the bed (and Scott at this point)..I am guessing from the traumatic 1st night has to do with that. It feels good to have to first day out of the way. The 1st dose of chemo was given and the big surgery in the OR is done. She is still really sore and doesn't like to move much. Going potty in the bathroom is a big deal and a lot of work. She is being such a trooper. I wish I could explain this better so she would understand. She is still jumping/terrified when the door to the room opens. Anytime a nurse comes in she asks me to cover her eyes. It just about breaks my heart when give her medicine, take her vitals, or check the bandages...she cries and says," mommy, cover my eyes and hold my hand". I cry just about every time. I keep thinking that I can't handle this, but then I know I have to. I don't have another option.

We have been lucky to have so much family support and help. Treena has been keeping Slade and bringing him to me at the hospital. I have mixed emotions because I feel like I am abandoning him. I know he is taken care of, but I want to be with both. I am glad he is at an age that he doesn't quite understand and is happy to be with anyone that will give him attention.


Being at PCMC is surreal. Especially today now that all of the workers are here. The music, volunteers and people out and about. Still feels like a dream....never thought in a million years that this was something that I would go through...or more so my baby girl. I wish I could take this from her SO bad. She shouldn't have to do this.

The moms that are here with their kids have been so sweet and it is so nice to talk to them. They know and understand. They have been there. What a great group of ladies. I hate that I get to part of their "group" but so grateful that they are here to relate to. Hearing their stories makes me feel...better...or maybe just someone to empathize with. I actually cried my eyes out in the arms of one of the moms... literally 5 seconds after I met her. She was so sweet to just hold me and say that she understood. It's a whole different world...the lingo, procedures, protocol..something we are going to become too familiar with. I keep hearing that it becomes easier which is great to hear. However, at times I feel like it's not fair that this has to become the "drill" for us. That it only gets easier because she has to endure it all so frequently. I don't think it's easier...you just get used to it.

It's only been 2 1/2 days. I am still struggling. I have my moments...strong and weak. Happy and sad. I am trying to hold it together. Grateful to have the support. Trying to stay positive. Love my baby girl more than ever. She is so precious and I want her to keep fighting. She is doing great.

Hoping for a good day. People should be coming by today (social workers, financial people, pharmacy, docs, nurses). They are going to make sure that we are able to handle it all once we get home. Day 4 will be a big day, another dose of chemo. If she handles well, we will be coming home on Wed night or Thur morning. We will come back up the following Tue and once a week for the entire month. Day 28 or 29 will be a big day. A day of answers and a telling of what is to come. I am hoping that the prayers will help things go our way. Sounds kind of selfish, but I want this to go as smooth as possible.

26 comments:

  1. You are not selfish at all!! You just want what's best for Taleah. She is such a strong girl!

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  2. Tosha you are such a strong person and mom! I can't stop thinking about Taleah! Everytime I say my Talia's name I think about her. Hang in there cutie. If you need anything at all please let me know! We are praying for her recovery! Love ya!

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  3. I can't stop thinking about your family! I will be following everyday of this blog! You are so strong and you have such an amazing family! Heavenly father is looking over Taleah! Stay strong! Love you scott Tosh Slade and especially Taleah! If you need anything i'm always here!

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  4. Tosha and Scott. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's not fair. She is such a sweet little thing.

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  5. Tosh! I can't explain how much respect I have for you...my daughter is 6 months and I couldn't imagine, you are very strong!! And that little girl is adorable! I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hoping it only makes you all stronger!! Love you always xoxo chelsey

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  6. I'm heart broken and speechless..
    we will keep you in our prayers and fastings!

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  7. Praying for your beautiful daughter.

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  8. Scott and Tosha our thoughts and prayers are with you and your cute little precious family.
    Love Larry & Terry Bergeson

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  9. It breaks my heart to hear this! I am so sorry! Your family is in our thoughts and prayers! She is such a beautiful, strong little girl!

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  10. You're in our prayers! You are an amazing mom and I know Taleah knows that and loves you. Try to remember that the Lord doesn't give you trials that you can't handle. He will not ask you to run faster than you have strength. Keep up the good work, you are inspirational!

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  11. You are amazingly strong. I hope all the prayers and fasting on your families behalf will help ease her pain and comfort you and Scott. We think about you constantly and carry a prayer for you guys in our hearts all day. If you ever need anything remember we are neighbors and I am always here. We love you all

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  12. I dont know you personally but i do have to say that you are one strong woman! You are holding yourself together for your family and that takes a very strong person. I am so truly sorry that you are going through this. I am sure your little one is a fighter and she will kick this cancers butt!! You and your family are in my prayers day and night! =]

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  13. Scott and Tosha we are so sorry to hear this! Our thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family!! It's so hard to watch your little ones suffer...I don't think there is anything harder! It's okay to have breakdowns, you're her mother! We will keep praying for Taleah and your family. It will all be okay! :)
    Love, Gavin & Andrea Heaton

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  14. We are praying and fasting for your family every chance we get. I wish there was more we could do for you. Ray's mom called the Portland Temple and requested your names to be submitted for prayer. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I can't imagine what it's like for you. Keep hanging in there and remember that you too can receive blessings. Sometimes as moms we overlook what help and blessing we can get too. We love you guys and think of you alot.

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  15. She is such a cutie. I can't wait to meet her in person. I personally think that our Heavenly Father knows which kids are fighters. She is tough and so are you. Hang in there! You are one awesome mama and although you feel so weak and helpless and just want to take this away from her, you will only get stronger! I know it's redundant, but MANY MANY prayers are being said for your sweet little family.

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  16. Still and always praying for sweet taleah! Your strength is inspiring to me. You will be blessed. You will see the small and sime things become giant around you. If theres anything I can do in addition to the prayers I will. I know you have a lot of family love and support but I would do anythin to help ease this burden. May Angela be with you and your family.

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  17. I'm with Angie...I will be checking this everyday! Please let me know if I can help with anything when you guys get home...or before hand! I'd be happy to clean, do laundry, etc! Hang in there and know that we all love and care about you guys! It is just fine to have breakdowns! I have come across a few blogs of parents who have children with ALL- if you are interested in reading them let me know! We'll be thinking and praying for you guys!

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  18. I hope things go smoothly and you're able to go home ASAP. I'm sorry this is so hard. We have clinic next Tuesday at 8am, so maybe we'll see you.

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  19. You guys have got this! Taleah is going to conquer this and you guys will be forever stronger! Your doing great, just keep it up. We will continue to send prayers your way.

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  20. A Stake President once told me that hard stuff like this isn't necessarily part of God's plan, but it is God's plan that gets us through the tough stuff. It is just breaking my heart to think of what you, Scott, and Taleah are all having to endure. And it just doesnt seem fair or make any sense, but I hope all the prayers and faith that is being exercised in your behalf brings some sweet relief. Love you guys:)

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  21. Tosh... you are seriously strong girl! I am sitting hear bawling my eyes out, cause my heart is breaking for you. I can't even imagine how hard going through something like this would be. Prayers are headed to Miss Taleah and your family! If you need anything when you guys get home, let me know.

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  22. Sounds like all is going as well as it can. She's so strong Tosh and she will get through this. Another day down....bring on the next! :) Love you guys.

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  23. i wish i could give you hugs! i hate this, hopefully it will just keep getting better :) love you!

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  24. Oh tosh...i feel sooo bad you are having to go through this, it breaks my heart. Wish me and linds could come and visit and hope to maybe get you to laugh or smile for just a moment. I cant imagine as a mother having to ever go through something like this! Hang in there and know that so many people are praying for you guys! We love you!

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  25. Oh I totally understand what you are going through, Our 21/2 year daughter was just diagnosed with ALL in May. My heart goes out to you but I promise it gets easier and you will get stronger each day! You can read about our story here toryandlindsey.blogspot.com... You are in our prayers!

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  26. Thanks so much for sharing something so personal. There are so many people who love and care about your family. I can't believe how much your world has changed in the last week. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Tara West

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