This week has been ok so far. There were a few rough days and moments. Slade being sick didn't help matters. I think the sleepless nights, ornery baby and on and off sick Taleah made for an "on edge" mommy. She mostly complains of a headache but I am not sure if that is her only way of saying that her body hurts. It honestly breaks my heart. I hate it. There was one moment when both kids woke up from their naps, not feeling well and wanting me to hold them. It sounds like no big deal, but in the moment I was on the verge of tears. I know it is going to get harder, but watching any kind of suffering sucks. I guess after having a pretty good month, it is hard to go back and watch her suffer. She has had a runny nose but luckily not as bad as her brother. I worry that her immune system is fighting so hard to beat this cold that she won't make counts for this upcoming chemo treatment. We are supposed to get her CBC tomorrow, but I am going to try and shoot for Tue so we can have our home health nurse. We are scheduled for chemo on Wednesday in St. George.
I did have a moment on Saturday night. We headed to a baptism of a niece and had to leave Taleah in St. George with my dad. She loves these cousins and would have LOVED to be there. When we were singing the closing song, I was emotional. I hated that she couldn't be there. I hated that it seemed like she didn't exist.... even though it wasn't like that. I guess I just hoped that she could have gone, but it wasn't worth the risk of being by sick people. Looking back now, she may have been fine but that is the hard thing about those kind of situations. I know it is going to be like this for quite some time and I just need to accept it, but it was still hard. I wanted my entire family to be together, but instead I had to leave her while we enjoyed some good family time. I guess the good thing about it... she doesn't really understand. She was having a great time at my parents. It is good that she isn't old enough to know everything that she is missing out on.
Over the weekend, I was able to meet a few more cancer moms. They are all amazing. It was great to talk to them and see where they are at in treatment. Some cancer free for 2+ years, some still in treatment and some almost done with theirs. One mom was actually talking about planning their "end of treatment" party... I couldn't even imagine what that was like. It was great to be able to talk to moms that really understand. Cancer changes you and they really know what it is like. They have been there and it feels good to relate. However, it was great to see how they did it, have done it and survived. Gave me some hope.
Anxious for this week and how it will turn up.
Life is still coming strong. Staying busy.
Thank you for the prayers. We feel it everyday.