Wednesday, January 11, 2012

DI- Day 21

These are from a few days back when I didn't have the energy to upload the pics. I could only find the strength to sit on my bed, type on the ipad and cry.....

I was trying to show how red it was underneath her eyes, but it doesn't do it justice. It looked like she got punched. I guess that's the kind of trauma the chemo was doing to her body.

Our movie night that I already mentioned. It was only the first day back on steroids so we weren't seeing the effects too badly yet, but yes they came on head first the next day.

I felt bad leaving the kids for most of Saturday to head to Vegas for a cheer comp, but I had to go for many reasons. Luckily Scott handled it well with the help of his parents. (Tavia and I walked around completely matching while shopping at the Fashion Show Mall) By the time we returned home, I had a fever and wasn't feeling great. NOT great timing since my baby girl has no immune system. GREAT! I felt terrible and Taleah ended up sleeing at the Stevensons to see if it was something I could hurry and get rid of.....

..... turns out it wasn't and I was so sick on Sunday. I felt like I had the flu, achey, head felt like it could explode, and a fever. I couldn't be around it her and it about killed me. She was finally sick, the steroids were coming head first and I couldn't be there for my baby girl. I HATED it. It was great that she was taken care of and she loved being there, but it was SO hard as a mom. I cried a lot because I couldn't be there for her or Slade. I couldn't take care of my own kids. I am so emotional that I am sure I would have cried over something else, but it was tough. I thought for sure by Sunday night I would be good but NO. Even Monday was rough, but due to some obvious symptoms I realized that I had mastitis. It all made sense and made me feel better that it was at least something that I couldn't pass on to her. I still don't feel awesome but I can at least have my kiddos at home.
It is rough. Actually, its TORTURE watching her suffer. This is so hard. She is miserable. Luckily the last dose of steroids is tonight so I am hoping after a couple of days of being off of them she will start feeling better. Maybe she won't and she will need a blood transfusion to pep her back up.

She did enjoy face timing with Grammy and seeing the ocean. That was one highlight where she actually enjoyed herself.

The hunger is full force. She MUST HAVE soup from Kneaders and that is pretty much all she wants. She will venture off occasionally, but it's mostly what she wants in the morning, afternoon, night and middle of the night. Seriously. I think we have probably spent about $100 in soup over the last 5 days. Not even kidding. She has to go through the drive thru, listen to you order, watch you pay and then eat it just right or it doesn't work. It's serious business around here. If they aren't open yet or it's Sunday..... it's a meltdown.

She loves the pico from Cafe Rio, but she doesn't like the "green and white" things.. ok yeah I'll pick them out. It's half of the pico. Awesome. My entire day is consumed of getting food for this girl. It temporarily makes her happy so I do it. Steroids are a different world.

I don't know if it was a blessing I got sick... and I know that sounds horrible but maybe it happened because I wouldn't have been able to handle this for 7 days straight. Maybe I needed to break in the middle to prepare for the next few days. She screams because she doesn't "like" her brother. He "bugs" her. She HATES to hear him cry. I am sure she is just so irritated on those dang steroids that loud little Slade isn't cutting it. She is very particular, but it is so hard this time because she feels like crap.

She is constantly moving around to find somewhere that she will be comfy/happy. But she never finds it. Breaks my heart. Honestly, this is so difficult to watch her suffer. I still give her all of the things that make her suffer because it is saving her life. It's a crazy life.

Her hair is shedding more than it ever has. I was expecting her to wake up with half of it falling out but she didn't. I am guessing that will be tomorrow. She keeps telling me she doesn't want to buzz her head so I just keep pointing out the hair that is EVERYWHERE. Hoping she will get annoyed soon but I am not going to force her to buzz it. Oh man.... the rambling could go on and on. Hoping we survive til the weekend.


  1. That is so hard to be sick yourself on top of everything else. Hope you feel better as soon as possible! Glad you guys have so much help. Wish I could help more!!! Love you all.

  2. I've been following silently since the beginning, but I just want to let you know you are amazing. You make me cry, and I know this is a nightmare to you. One day you will look back and think "We made it through". Keep up the good work, you are super mom no matter what you think. Much love going out to your baby girl, I just wish we could all take the pain for her so she wouldn't have to feel it.

  3. That is so rough! I am glad she will be done with the steroids soon. For both your sakes!

  4. I'm so sorry for all of your pain. I hope that things get better really soon. I am thinking about you.
    Love, Jenni-Ohio