Saturday, January 7, 2012

Emotions ( DI day 17)

Clearly my emotions are all over the place. I don't want this blog to be negative in any way, but I also think it is important to document it all.
Last night was terrible. Actually, this girl is so tough but when she feels like crap she just cries in pain/misery. She woke up from her nap and needed pain meds but felt so crappy she didn't want to drink the special juice. I wish she understood that it makes her feel better. She was really pale and it was really red under her eyes. She looks so sick. Her hair is starting to shed much more and I have gathered from other moms that it will be gone by next wed/thur. I have been trying to prepare her and I think it may be working. The hard part is she will be on steroids so she is not even the same person. Anyways, after she woke up and cried in my arms for about an hour I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream about how unfair this is for her to suffer. It just doesn't seem right. Again, I am her mom and I couldn't console her. Grandparents even stopped by and she wanted them to leave ( while shade was crying for them to stay). My heart felt like it was breaking in half. I don't feel like I can be a good mom to either child. She eve tally drank the juice and did much better. We had movie night and she tried to enjoy it.
The next day I headed to Vegas for a cheer comp and she was crushed when she woke up and I wasn't there. Turns out it was a blessing to be gone all day because I ended up with a fever/chills. I tried to stick it out and stay away from her but still take care of herBut it's not getting better and I don't want to risk her safety. Scott's parents took her for the night. It's betternfornher to stay away from me. I feel like such a great mom.... Wish I could take care of my baby. I really think the steroids make it that much worse because she isn't even the same girl. It feels like the steroids completely change her. There is only 4 more days of these high doses and then she will have a few months off. I know this phase isn't forever and it will end but I feel like it is so hard for her (&me). Actually it seems hard on anyone who is close to her. I'm also anxiously awaiting the hair to fall out... I wish it would just happen so we could move on. I know she will be beautiful!!!
I guess I just needed to get that all out. Hoping i am miraculously better in the morning do I can be a mom. For now.... I will keep praying for my baby and be continually amazed by her strength. Thanks for the support!


  1. Ugggh, so hard to even read, my heart just sinks. You are always in our thoughts and prayers!

  2. I'm sorry!!! Keep your head up!!! Hope you both start feeling better soon. Praying for you all!!!

  3. I've been reading your blog for a while now and I think you are doing a great job. Praying for you and your family :)

  4. I'm so sorry. My heart just aches so much for you. I'm so sorry that your family has to go through this. You are such a strong mother. I'm sorry that you are feeling bad. I will be praying that you will get better really soon. I pray every day for Taleah and I will continue to pray for her to feel better. Feel better and try to get some rest. Thinking of you. Hugs :)
    Love, Jenni-Ohio

  5. I'm sorry things are rough right now... Truth is.. it's ok you are sad, discouraged, and frustrated... Rightfully so. But you are such an amazing mother and such an example to me. You all are in my prayers. Love!

  6. P.S. I love this little quote and it made me think of you.
    "sometimes we can't avoid the pain.
    maybe you didn't create it. maybe you can't get out of it. maybe it's just there...
    but pain is like that little stinger of an ice cube..... eventually, it will melt.

    and you really have two options; you can squirm and squeal and curse that icy burning in your palm, or you can be still.
    you can breathe, pray, and allow it to be there.. instead, focusing on the heat of your body and the strength within you to melt that cube."

    --Natalie Hill

  7. I wish there was some way I could help you out. But we've been battling our illnesses over here. Every time I read your blog, I want so badly to bring you dinner or something (sorry, I'm lame). We pray for you and think of you often. It's been good to watch Ray be involved doing the Mr. PVHS for Taleah and all the support that people are willing to give. Love you guys!