Emotions ( DI day 17)

Clearly my emotions are all over the place. I don't want this blog to be negative in any way, but I also think it is important to document it all.

Last night was terrible. Actually, this girl is so tough but when she feels like crap she just cries in pain/misery. She woke up from her nap and needed pain meds but felt so crappy she didn't want to drink the special juice. I wish she understood that it makes her feel better. She was really pale and it was really red under her eyes. She looks so sick. Her hair is starting to shed much more and I have gathered from other moms that it will be gone by next wed/thur. I have been trying to prepare her and I think it may be working. The hard part is she will be on steroids so she is not even the same person. Anyways, after she woke up and cried in my arms for about an hour I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream about how unfair this is for her to suffer. It just doesn't seem right. Again, I am her mom and I couldn't console her. Grandparents even stopped by and she wanted them to leave ( while shade was crying for them to stay). My heart felt like it was breaking in half. I don't feel like I can be a good mom to either child. She eve tally drank the juice and did much better. We had movie night and she tried to enjoy it.

The next day I headed to Vegas for a cheer comp and she was crushed when she woke up and I wasn't there. Turns out it was a blessing to be gone all day because I ended up with a fever/chills. I tried to stick it out and stay away from her but still take care of herBut it's not getting better and I don't want to risk her safety. Scott's parents took her for the night. It's betternfornher to stay away from me. I feel like such a great mom.... Wish I could take care of my baby. I really think the steroids make it that much worse because she isn't even the same girl. It feels like the steroids completely change her. There is only 4 more days of these high doses and then she will have a few months off. I know this phase isn't forever and it will end but I feel like it is so hard for her (&me). Actually it seems hard on anyone who is close to her. I'm also anxiously awaiting the hair to fall out... I wish it would just happen so we could move on. I know she will be beautiful!!!

I guess I just needed to get that all out. Hoping i am miraculously better in the morning do I can be a mom. For now.... I will keep praying for my baby and be continually amazed by her strength. Thanks for the support!