Broken Heart

I must say that I have shed some tears tonight because of cancer and the way it has changed my baby girl. We have been talking about the trip to PCMC tomorrow for a week or so. She is fully aware of the fact that she has to be sedated in the "smiley room" and she hates it. She says it makes her dizzy and she doesn't like it. I can tell that is stressing her out. She keeps mentioning it today and I try and brush it off, talk to her about it and I can't tell what helps the most. I tried getting her excited about the airplane (still hoping that it's going to work out ok). As I was putting her to bed, she was on the verge of tears and asking me a million questions about clinic. She likes everything else about it. She usually goes to sleep when I leave the room, but tonight I could hear her calling my name. I walked in and asked what she needed and she replied with tears in her eyes and a quivering lip," Will you lay by me in the smiley room?" I could hardly hold back the tears and just held her and told her of course I would. I always do. That just broke my heart. I talked to her and held her and then left the room. I heard her crying about 5 minutes later and apparently it's all she can think about. So, Scott is sleeping with her tonight. My 3 year old is crying and stressing about being sedated for her lumbar puncture tomorrow. It is so not right. I know it could be so much worse, but it still sucks. I figured this would be a little tougher since we are only doing it every 3 months. Of course, I am stressing too. The chemo, the way she feels, the steroids. I am SO not looking forward to it and I guess you could say I am a little anxious. Surprise. I just hope she gets a good night sleep and we can make it through this upcoming week. Cancer sucks.